I Might Be An Oompa Loompa!

Yesterday I complained about my stresses over losing my hair. Holly mentioned I may have lupus as it’s one of it’s many symptoms…  Yikes, being the imaginary patient that I am, I had to google lupus right away! Here is what I discovered, thanks to Holly:

General symptoms include:

  • Arthritis (yes, check, you should see my swollen fingers!)
  • Fatigue (uh oh, I’m always complaining about being so tired!)
  • Fever (Booby always tells me how hot I am, I’m his little bed heater)
  • General discomfort, uneasiness or ill feeling (I’m always uncomfortable when I put my foot in my mouth, which is often, does this count? Oh and yeah I do feel like shit a lot, maybe it’s the truck stop food)
  • Joint pain and swelling (Arthritis, see above statement, and I take glucosamine every day, otherwise I’d lock up since my joints are so sore)
  • Muscle aches (Gheezuz, this list is making me sound so repetitive, see above!)
  • Nausea and vomiting (What with what I saw this morning at the truck stop, how could I NOT be nauseous all the time, and does the drink-binge-puking count here?)
  • Pleural effusions (Don’t know what this is, so how could I have it?)
  • Pleurisy (causes chest pain) – have I mentioned my recent increase in boob size? Is that pleurisy?
  • Psychosis (Oh my god, there’s a demon on my stomach, shhh I think he’s trying to come in and control me, maybe he’ll take the rainbow away from my head… shhhh!)
  • Seizures (Oh shit, I’m having another fit!)
  • Sensitivity to sunlight (Ever wonder why we can’t see a laptop screen with sun glasses on? oooh, bright light!)
  • Skin rash — a “butterfly” rash over the cheeks and bridge of the nose affects about half of those with SLE. The rash gets worse when in sunlight. The rash may also be widespread. (That rash I have? No-no, that was last night’s Super 8, I hate those cheap hotels, they all have freakin’ bed bugs!)
  • Swollen glands (Are boobs considered glands? If so, then CHECK AGAIN!)
  • Abdominal pain (My stomach always hurts… yikes I’m stressing out now)
  • Blood disorders, including blood clots (Oh, off the hook, my blood is so good I B Positive about that! sorry, tacky joke)
  • Blood in the urine (Nope, not me, I’m still Miss Golden Shower)
  • Coughing up blood (The only thing I coughed up was my tacky blood type joke)
  • Fingers that change color upon pressure or in the cold (Ooooh, yes, got that, I got them blue fingers I do)
  • Hair loss (Duh, that’s the whole point of this stressful mess!)
  • Mouth sores (ALL THE TIME!)
  • Nosebleed (Off the hook again… this is beginning to look like the petals of a daisy as I pray that he loves me, but in this case it’s that he doesn’t…)
  • Numbness and tingling (ALL THE TIME! oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck)
  • Red spots on skin (Thank god, he doesn’t love me…)
  • Skin color is patchy (He still doesn’t love me…)
  • Swallowing difficulty (I don’t swallow, I don’t. That shit tastes like it was cooked in a truck stop, sorry guys but have you ever tasted your jiz?)
  • Visual disturbance (I see visual disturbances every time I enter a truck stop!)

I have lupus! I am a oompa loompa! Quick somebody dial 9-1-1! Get a pen, I’ll give you the number! (Sorry, another tacky overdone joke).

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4 thoughts on “I Might Be An Oompa Loompa!”

  1. BWAHAHAAHAAA!! omg you're a nut!
    Pretty sure you'd know if you had lupus. But hey, go have them check you for everything under the sun. I had 73 blood tests, 3 specialist visits and a few urine tests, xrays, etc., all for them to tell me that my weird twitchiness and spasms and tiredness is from an incurable benign disorder. Awesome.
    At least I know it's not a brain tumor 🙂

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  2. Lmao!!! I laughed so hard I shot stuff out my nose! The psychosis part *bending over and holding stomach* omg, it HURRRTS!!!

    Thank you for making my day.

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