Kitty Hangs Her Tiara

Voice-over: “In five, four, three…”

As the camera’s red glow lights up so does Kitty and she rolls with the film. Obviously she feels she was born for this. “Hello, I’m Kitty and thank you for joining me as I prepare for my last pageant!” She takes a quick glance in the mirror, touches up her hair and returns to the camera. “Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m too old for a beauty pageant! If that were true would they have a 18 and older category? But look at me! 29 and I’m still beating the younger girls. They’ve got nothing on me. Nothing!”

She tilts her head at an angle, looks up from the corner of her eyes and blows a kiss. “Could you do THAT with a book on your head? You wouldn’t believe the stuff they still teach these kids! How can anyone flirt with a book balancing on their head?” With her hand covering her mouth she giggles. “Now look at me, I’ve just smudged my lipstick. Oh the things you make me do.”

Quickly she faces the mirror, picks up her lipstick. Runs it over her lips and rubs them together. Makes a kiss at the mirror and returns to the camera.

“The younger girls need a sophisticated woman like me to show them the way. Winning a beauty pageant is all about winning the hearts of the judges. And truth be told, it is so much more than a mere beauty pageant. Judges delve into your personality, they evaluate your skills and then there’s my favorite part:” with her hands in front of her, showing an imaginary billboard “The TALENT competition! So you see, it really is a Somebody Pageant! I’ve been telling them repeatedly to change the name, you know debunk the myth of” she raises her hands to make the famous quotation mark gesture “the empty shelled beauty queen…

Kitty’s attitude changes. her smile fades. Staring distantly away, she shakes herself back to the camera and the smile returns. “Like I said, this is my last pageant. I’m hanging my tiaras and I’m retiring…”

Kitty opens her robe just enough to show her leg. The camera zooms in on her thigh and her knee. “I’m going out with a bang!” She whispers: “I’ve been secretly taking dance classes. Look at these legs! Tadaa!” She guides the camera back to her face “That’s enough now, my fans want to see my face!” The camera slowly returns to her legs “I will dance my way to my final trophy. I will retire a beauty queen forever!” Once again she guides the camera back to her prized smile and her shiny eyes. “Oh nobody expects me to dance, I’ve been ashamed of my legs for the longest time. $10,000 later and a new pair of knees these legs are begging to be admired by the world. Don’t tell anybody, but a knee lift isn’t my first dabble with plastic surgery.” With her index finger by her lips she shushes her audience.

As her left hand pulls away from her face, she glances down towards her ring less finger. “I will retire a beauty queen and offer myself as the perfect trophy wife.” Again she giggles hiding her mouth. “Some say men want a woman who laughs a lot. Who would want a laughing hyena? Like that … that … Susie!” In a mimicking nagging voice she continues “Little miss Susie Q and her high pitched laugh!” She rolls her eyes and moves closer into the camera. “Oh and that gum to teeth ratio?” she whispers “Not a plastic surgeon in the world could ever fix that! Sure they’ve given her the trophy, my trophy, a few times in the past. And we all know what her talent portion will be again this year! The same she’s been doing since she was 10 years old.”

Backing away from the camera for a dramatic pause, she fingers her hair, pushes her cheeks upwards with a quick glance into the mirror. “Cupcakes.” She turns to face the camera “She waltzes out with a platter of cupcakes she” motions the quotation marks “baked herself at home” snickers, “and offers each judge a cupcake.” Kitty rolls her eyes and pretends to gag.

“Buying the judges votes is what I say! And she should be ashamed of herself. She has no talent! I’ll bet she’s looking forward to my retiring… The real competition will die the day I wave my delicate long fingers good-bye as I walk away carrying my final trophy!” Another quick glance into the mirror with a nod of satisfaction. “What does SHE have to offer a man?” Kitty must love the finger quotation mark sign, because she does it yet again: “Marry me and I’ll bake cupcakes til death do us part?” Again she looks down at her left hand. A slow exhale which could be confused with a sigh or a show of exasperation is released.

“My soul-mate, the man of my dreams does not want a career woman. No, my man, a real man, not a wishy-washy new-age emasculated man: wants a traditional woman.” Now her face really lights up, her eyes are searching something and keep glancing somewhere up in the air above the camera. “He’ll have a solid name, a name of power like Bronson, and he’ll be strong and brave enough to protect me.”

The lights in the dressing room flash twice. “Eeks! That’s my cue!”  She stands up, turns to the mirror, nods an approval of her looks, unties her robe covering her outfit and turns to the camera. “Wish me luck!” With a flick of her arms, her robe falls to the ground revealing her costume. “Or as they say in zee show bizeeness: Merde!” Let’s a soft giggle run out “Oh and Bronson, stop looking, you’ve found me! And I’ll make you proud!” She twirls like a ballerina and dashes out the dressing room.

Fade to black. Voice over:  “And cut!”


This has been yet another fun Magpie tale. Please feel free to tell me what you think in the comment field below. I’m eager as a beaver for feedback!


An Update With Pleasure

Yesterday we spent the day skiing at Keystone. My MOST EVER favorite ski hill in Colorado. Ever. But here are some of my little tips:

  1. Watch out for kids. They will cut you off and choose that specific moment to crash. Thus leaving it up to you to avoid the collision or you’ll be hit with a serious pedophilia charge once you land on him/her (can anybody bail me out?)
  2. It’s ok to be a beginner, I mean you gotta start somewhere right? But if you’re just starting, please don’t use the poles, you’ll only end up hurting yourself – or worse – ME. Those are only good to stab my eyes out!
  3. If you are a seasoned skier, that’s cool. Keep your hands in front of you, pretend like you’re carrying a case of beer between each poke-turns.  You’ll look like a pro and thank me later when you’re on a beer run and already seasoned to the pose.

Today we decided to leave ski bunny area and drove. Did some sight seeing:

After a few hours of white knuckle – teeth clenching – big sweat pouring – ass tightening driving we started to breath. Now, can anybody explain to me why we tend to tighten our butts when driving in a life threatening situation? Does it actually help? And why do we emit a weird odor under extreme stress? Is it supposed to soothe the others around us? Oh come on! Don’t tell me you’ve never noticed the smell of stress or fear?

Let’s move on…

Hard to believe but only a handful of hairs later, we suddenly ended in a different season-zone:

LOOK AT THAT! Blue sky! Nothing but blue sky shinning above! This was so cool. It looked like some giant walked up here, yelled out “FEE FY FO FUM! I will build a sand castle!”  And it was like snap, right out of the blizzard we landed here. Oddly enough the map does not say we cross into a different season zone, like a hugemega time zone thinggy, we went from feeling like wishing each other Merry Christmas to screaming out Trick or Treat to drivers going by us.

Right now I’m not sure where we are, somewhere in Utah where restaurants keep the atmosphere at a cumfy-cosy 41 degrees. No,  not talking Celcius… Don’t I wish!

Any surprise we’re headed out to California tomorrow? Cheers! And while you’ll be with family and friends for Thanksgiving think of me as I’ll be entering sunny California… Hopefully leaving the blizzards behind me.


Going Nowhere Tomorrow

Tomorrow I leave for nowhere. I’m so excited. First stop on the journey (hey, it just so happens that my journey will actually start at The Journey… tomorrow where I’ll be guest posting… cool!) ok, so back to my topic: my first stop is Colorado.

My board and my skis are packed. Ready to roar. I’ve got rooms booked right by Keystone (my absolute most FAVE resort in Colorado) until Thursday. Then it’s out West baby! OK, so I may take a little detour to sample wine country in Napa… What the hell!

But, I just had to share this little tid bit (sorry guys, I know none of you must like that expression, tid bit, heh heh) my race team MAY have a sponsor! A mega uber cool sponsor will make a decision by December 1st. How do I feel about this? You guessed it: mixed feelings. On one side I get to be the racer gurl (as Holly always puts it) who is popular, sexy, attractive, super stardom level of notoriety (stop me anytime here) but on the other I get the same old same old routine job, where every day is pretty much the same but sometimes it’s in Florida, or Nevada, or Missouri, or Texas, or Washington, or California, or (please stop me anytime)… Love the fame, love the travel, HATE the routine.

Which also means that although we are doing the same nowhere trip we are NOT stuffing ALL of our belongings in the pickup just yet. The stuff is staying here. After our trip, we will return to the shop/apartment which will also coincide with the decision making to either load up and return to the West coast, or (grudgingly) stay here and start getting ready for a new race season.

An unplanned life is never a boring life! Tataaa!


Whip My Hair

Willow Smith (Will’s 7 year old daughter) released her new single. Will Smith’s 7 year old daughter released a single. She sings about her hair. Will Smith’s 7 year old daughter has a single… about her hair.

I need pause.

And help in understanding the numerous and multiple ways that this is disturbingly wrong to me.

This single has drawn so much attention, Jimmy Fallon put out his own version à la Neil Young with the assistance of none other than The Boss – Bruce Springsteen.  In other words, Bruce has done a cover of Will Smith’s 7 year old daughter singing about hair! Oh Bruce, say it isn’t so!

Seeing that other kid go wang chung on the big screen as the new Karate Kid was not enough, we obviously needed more of the Pinkett-Smith offsprings. Of course having a 7 year old (ok so she’s cute and sweet and blahblahblah) sing about her hair was the perfect answer.  And, yes, you can download her song as a ringtone and carry her everywhere you go. You will be the envy of all!

p.s. I apologize for that really gross video I had up there yesterday, will you ever forgive me? How about with this new vid, it’s better isn’t it?