Roller Derby Training Camp

Here’s what I’ve done since I made the life changing decision of trying out for the roller derby. And since I’m taking this very seriously because I’m now obsessed with this potential outcome, I’m pulling all the strings to get my lazy ass in gear…

  1. Jan 26 received an email from the roller derby recruiter asking if I was seriously considering this
  2. Jan 26 I replied as long as they don’t brake my bones intentionally that yes, I am interested. I asked if I could get special treatment being that I’m a big nobody and skip out on waiting until the boot camp on Feb 21 since I change my mind constantly. She replied “that’s fantastic! see you on the 26”
  3. I drove out to the nearby TJ Maxx hoping to find a cheap pair of work-out shorts. Remember my small ass? A medium is too big, and that was the smallest size… So I bought a cool little hoody that will fit perfectly my uhm… ok, I really need work-out clothes. 
  4. Drove to the BevMo (a cool concept in alcoholic beverage, kinda like the Wal-Mart of beverages) a roller derby chick needs plenty of liquids!
  5. Drove home. Totally exhausted. Plan to work out the next day. Drink 2 cosmos. Fall asleep watching the Olympics on TV. But mentally I’m totally there!
  6. Promise to self to totally work out. Total promise. I stick my head outside. Look at my bike waiting for me. Hoping to be taken out on a ride. I wink at the bike. Crawl back down stairs. I feel like a groundhog.
  7. Drive out to Target. They have great cheap work-out clothes. I walk by a cute couple. He tells me he digs my hat. I reply by telling him his dog is kick-ass. Seemed normal enough for a reply.
  8. Find a pair of shorts. They fit. They’re a tad bit baggy, but I’ll need space to put all those bulging muscles from all my working out. Which will start tomorrow. I promise. The cute couple (hmm, I’m now realizing they are homeless and I’m hoping they haven’t emptied out my truck) walk towards me and ask for spare change. I pull out a dollar bill hoping they’ll feel guilty enough to give me back my shit they took from my truck.
  9. I drive home and open up a beer as I munch on chips and salsa. Salsa provides me with at least 2 veggie portions for the day. And beer? I need plenty of hydration/carbs before tomorrow’s work-out.
  10. Friday I wake up smiling. I immediately grab my new shorts, pull on some work-out socks and my running shoes after I squeeze into my sport bra. Yes. I start to stretch and smell coffee. Of course hydration is key, as I’ve mentioned before. So I make myself a cup. A nice warm latte as I stretch my soon to be bulging muscles. And I run! Yes, I run. I run for at least 9-10 minutes. At which point I decide I better not overdo it and turn around to go back home. Also, any trainer will tell you the best thing for your heart is to change paces. So I walk a bit. But oddly enough I feel the timing is right to increase my pace when I cross old(er) people. Of course when I pass them I turn around and yell out “Booyah!”. I think it’s just common sense to let people know you’re going by them. I think I got at least 2 miles…
  11. I get home, stretch out again and show my stomach to Booby. He tells me it has shrunk since I started working out! God I love him. So I open up a beer. Hydration remember? I slowly walk out to the showers hoping to meet up with the squat lady so I can stretch my legs in her face. Sadly she is not there… Back home I do some internet research and email Peachy’s friend about the best way to be prepared for boot camp.
  12. She replies to find the biggest person I know and have him/her slam me down onto concrete pavement. I tell Booby we have to have sex, it’ll get me ready for boot camp. You know “do it for the team”.
  13. Saturday I am sore. Too much body slamming? The daily work out consists of harshly shaking my shoes overboard to get rid of the grass and dirt. I make pancakes. Carbs are essential to training.
  14. Sunday, well you all know I am a highly devoted catholic and, since I still haven’t found a good french catholic church in my neighborhood I decide to pray for a job, pray for my next work-out session and eat bacon. My little ass obviously needs it. I visit the swap meat, eat 2 carne asade tacos and carry my purchases everywhere. I’m conscious of my biceps as I carry my 3 oranges and 3 kiwi fruits. I growl at Booby who asks me to carry his new needle nose pliers in my bag. But I take it for the team… And carry everything. It’s part of my training I tell myself. Go home and pour myself a healthy glass of grape juice, I think the fermentation makes the grape calorie free. Not sure, but the French ARE on to something…
  15. And that brings us to today! So far I’ve replied to an offer for an interview, I’ve walked to the shower (walked there AND back), and I’ve taken 2 advils (I’m sure it’s good for my blood flow or eventual swelling). 

Tomorrow is a new day and more running waits for me! The roller derby girls you will never know what hit them when I come sloshing in…  I’m thinking I should be sponsored by Capt Morgan. Any takers?

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21 thoughts on “Roller Derby Training Camp”

  1. Good gawd, woman! I gasped when you said you ran for 9-10 minutes. Then I swore out loud when you further mentioned carrying 3 oranges AND 3 kiwis. Are you mad?! You need to ease into that kind of workout. You could kill yourself doing all that already. And, clearly, you're not hydrating yourself nearly enough.

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  2. Back in the 70's when roller derby girls were big, guys used to tell me I needed to get into it because I am just shy of 6' and could kick butt. Now I didn't do it but reading this has me cracking up. Can't help it.

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  3. @ Leon: I use to be a total exercise addict, now I just don't know who the heck that person was!
    @ Barb: and I'm 5'4 weighing in at a hefty 115 pounds, yet I seem to think its a.good idea! Hahaha at least I'll have great stories to tell!

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  4. Hey! I'm new to your blog!

    Is it sad that the first thing I think of when you write, roller derby, is about twisting my ankle? They should let you do it without skates. Everyone could just run around in a circle.

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  5. so just when do you start to include skates in this extreme training?
    Just wondering.
    You know, I reckon I could cope with working out like you do. Hamd me another beer please 🙂

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  6. If it's Captain Morgan SPICED, then I think you're probably destined to be the world's, NAY THE UNIVERSE'S, greatest Rolly Derbyer in the history of all.

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  7. @ Johnny: Hey thanks for coming over! I am actually totally afraid of twisting my ankle…
    @ Edie: did you happen to hear the Twilight Zone jingle just then?
    @ Mynx: I haven't graduated to the skates portion yet, I'm still a green newbie
    @ Kev: SPICED always. Yum! So yum! I need a sponsor!
    @ Brian: thanks for the insightful tips!
    @ Oilfield: I'll bring my spy-cam and snap away! :o)
    @ Brandy: That was the intent of the post! pump away!!!

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  8. I was a Derby Girl! Trixxie Toxic #13 (notice the 3 XXX?)that be me!

    Also notice…the was.Not even a month in of joining a local team, I managed to fall & fracture my tail bone so no practice for minimum 8 weeks.

    Wait…wait…wait…

    Practice! Woot!! I'm gonna kill this I just know it!!

    2 Practices later…trip over rope dropped by a ref & yup…you guessed it…fracture #2!

    Dr. says NO MORE DERBY or your ass won't be walking let alone skating!

    So…when you start make sure you 'pick a side' which means pick an ass cheek and fall on that. Don't fall in the center!

    Good luck & have a blast being fresh meat!!!

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  9. First might I say I love the use of old(er) – very politically correct of you and after all you've been through too! Just amazing! Also, you can seriously have some of my ass, I think I have enough for both of us… oh wait. That came out wrong!

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  10. @ Absolutely: now you're scarring me. who's gonna hold me now that I'm frightened???
    @ Minute: please send your ass to: cyberhouse, socal 90210 heh heh
    @ Pat: oils? acrylics? watercolor? if it was oils, i can understand, it was quite lengthy of a work-out…
    @ Classic: thanks for stumbling, i'll have to go check you out now! watch out, you're in for it…

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