In a turmoil
After years of running non stop with a crazy racing schedule, never staying put in the same city for very long (spending 2 consecutive nights in the same hotel became sheer luxury) I was now well overdue for normalcy.
I crave boredom. I crave a mundane life where I come home bitching about what Suzy dared say at the water cooler. I crave staying put in the same city for long enough to build friendships.
Friendships. I struggle to even remember what 2 girls chat about while sipping a cup of coffee. Do people still do that? Hook up for a cup of java?
See how out of the loop I am? And now I was hoping I could do that. Feed my cravings of normalcy. Take the trash out. Wash dishes. Get parking tickets and contest them in court. You know, regular stuff. The stuff most people complain about and end up hating: I want or need!
I crave it. I know, it’s weird, but it just is! When you live on the road for years hopping from hotel to hotel, never knowing what city or state you’re in when you wake up in the middle of the night as you bump into walls looking for the toilet: you crave NOR-fucking-MAL!
Evidently 50% of the people in my relationship seek the opposite.
50% of the people in my marriage want to go south. Spend a month in Mexico. Maybe more. Maybe less. Maybe just head out as soon as possible and see where the breeze takes us. Oh what the heck, take a year meandering around. A YEAR??? More uncertainties leading me to further isolation…
Let’s face it. The only good thing I’ve got going for me right now is that other 50% of the people in my relationship.
Home? None (other than the boat I live on)
But I’ve got him. And if he goes south then I lose him. And the boat I’m living on.
I am so lost. And confused. And a total utter mess. And totally ignoring all rules of grammar by starting all these sentences with a conjunction. Remember that way old TV commercial that aired during kids programming trying to educate the peeps? That funky little tune “conjunction junction oooh, what’s your function?” And now I’m aging myself. And I did it again, started a sentence with a conjunction? Can’t you see I’m a mess?
I already told him I needed to stay put. Crying and hikkuping I explained how I needed balance and stability. This is a fork in my road. People need to follow their heart, do what they think is right for them. I’ve sensed this fork coming, and I’ve been a mess because of it.