Obviously if I am writing you today, it is because I know that I am not only the best choice, but let’s be frank here: I’m the only choice. Not only for this position, but just about any position. Just take a look at my résumé. Is there a field, any field, left untouched by my chocolate covered fingers?
Yes, there are other candidates worthy of your time. Yes there are other candidates with more qualifications, more experience and may I add classic training immediately relevant to the position? But will they wow you and woo you? Surely they wouldn’t.
Will they laugh at the most inappropriate times shocking you and your esteemed colleagues? No. Most likely not. Will they spend an inordinate amount of time googling the right image and following up with giving credit to the rightful owner? Bah! I doubt it. Will they burp and immediately giggle like a grade school kid? Maybe. But not to your face. The hypocrites. Will they call you at home as you sit with your family for dinner bragging about a new cocktail mix they invented? Oh come on. No way would anybody else ever think of such a thing!
How many words are required to
yell out tell you: PICK ME? Two. How many words will I squander in this letter simply because I’m such an eager beaver? I will give you the pleasure of using your word count to find out. Simply because I am that kind of person. Giving.
I leave you with this thought: why hire the best when you can have the rad-est.
I am expecting your call and will be open for an interview as soon as I can make myself available (please avoid high surf times, nap times, feeding times, and Californication times).
In a perfect world, this would be the ideal cover letter. In a perfect world you would not need to be bland in order to be considered professional. In a perfect world honesty would be gainful. In a perfect world, chocolate would not only be healthy but a must for weight loss. In a perfect world retirement would be for the 30s and 40s and work for the 50s, 60s and 70s when everybody has a yearning to still be worth something. In a perfect world you could exchange smiles for food.
In a perfect world YOU could borrow this cover letter. Let me know when you get hired! I may need a cut…