I’m Not Normal

Shocking news – isn’t it?

You may read my blog, and feel so wowed by my sheer and utter inner zen and wonder-woman-ish-strength in life, but what you don’t know is how I am in real face-to-face action.

I’m awkward at best. At worst? Insulting and rude. But, you know what? Most times when I’m rude and insulting I’m looking right at you with a big happy smile. Why is that? The smile when I deliver an insult? No, I’m not forced by some weird cult to smile all the time (but if it does exist, email me the link). It’s just that I am so oblivious to what is considered rude and insulting. There. I just said it. I am oblivious.

I’m not mean, I’m just stupid.

And the smile? I like smiling, I’m a happy person. I tried being miserable but it sucked, so I reverted back to the happy bouncy lively person that I am, with a side dish of insult.

I can (for example) ask you “How long does it take to lose the belly after giving birth?” to which you will slap me in my happy smiling face accusing me of calling you fat. Or you can be talking to me about a race, any race, assuming that because of my previous line of work that I’m into that kind of thing to which I will forcibly say “I don’t want to hear about it. I hate racing. All racing. I think racing is stupid.” and then off we go. I’m not insulting YOU, I’m insulting the racing. I’m not telling you to shut-up, I just don’t want to talk about racing. I’d rather talk about farts and poop. See? I’m not normal.

Cricket.

I have no social skills, which probably explains why I’m pretty nifty with social media. Remember WHO is behind the invention of social media: geeks, nerds, weirdos, and what the hell is kik anyways? But I digress, again. When all I want to do is digest (it rhymed in my head, but seeing it written suddenly makes me realize why I’m so awkward).

If we ever do meet in person, and it’s a really big “if” because I tend to shy away from social gatherings unless there is the promise of hot fudge, let me warn you ahead of time: that thing I will say? Because I will say it, something wrong will eventually come out of my mouth (which is better than something wrong going in, but this is not the place to discuss that). Don’t take it personally. If the intent is to insult you, I’ll run off and hide after delivering the punch. I’m a scaredy-cat.

News report in the shocking department over. Let’s talk weather!