I Still Hear the Voices: I Just Don’t Tell Anybody About Them

I wanted to say how I’ve learned to keep the voices quiet, but that would be a lie. I still hear them. On a regular basis. The only true part about me keeping them quiet is that I don’t talk about them to others. Much.

“A face only a mother could love.”

I wish I knew where these nagging voices came from. Which is yet another lie. I know where they come from. They come from me. Although they’ve been with me for as long as I can remember, I’ve never learned to like them. It’s like that annoying ringing in my ears. You just do with. You know?

I DON’T KNOW IF I SHOULD TELL YOU WHAT I HEAR

Leo tells me that I’m “fishing for compliments”. Don’t I wish. I do believe we all have some form of inner monster. Some are just better at kicking their ass than others. And then there are people like me who listen, hush a quiet “stop it” but then keep on listening. I’ve been told it’s rude to ignore when I’m being spoken to.

“A face for radio…”

Some of the voices are gone. Some of them have stopped. Some have changed their tune. But some are more stubborn than your pet’s pee stain on the white carpet by the entryway.

WILL IT EVER GO AWAY?

My friend shared this remarkable *video on Facebook. The basis of the video was all about the children’s song “stick and stones may break your bones…” and the conclusion of the video was that words do and will continue to hurt. My favorite quote from the video felt like it was speeking directly to me:

“If you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, then get a better mirror.” -Shane Koyczan

It spoke to me because my inner demon tells me daily that I’m ugly. It reminds me about this when I see a picture of myself. It repeats the words over and over again “you’re ugly, ugly-ugly-ugly” when I look into a mirror. Sure there are times where I surprise even myself when I happen to admire the reflection. It happens. Trust me, it does. How do I handle the 99% of the times when I happen to agree with the voice?

AT LEAST I HAVE A NICE PERSONALITY

In the spirit of honesty I must tell you that I just cope with it, and focus on my bubbling self. Once the class clown, always the class clown.

“Seeing you is proof that we do come from monkeys.”

What I wish I could tell you is how I always have the capacity to find something beautiful about myself even if I may be having a bad hair day.

Circa – from the years with my ex

I’m hoping that in putting this out there it will force me into a sense of accountability. Years ago I found out my ex-husband had confided in his best friends that he was relieved I had a hot body because my face was pretty ugly. Shocking news: we got divorced! I couldn’t help but think to myself “But when you love someone, you always see nothing but beauty in them.”

And here is me having an a-ha moment. I do love myself. So… logically… do I really need to spell it out to you?

“I love myself, hence I see nothing but beauty when I look in the mirror.”

I’m lucky to be loved by people who tell me I am beautiful. It’s time I start listening to them instead of that inner voice. Do YOU have any inner demons? What do they whisper in your ears at night?

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* You have to see this video. It’s called TO THIS DAY. And I give it a two-thumbs way up.