I Must Be Life’s Best Kept Secret

Source: Wikimedia Commons – White House Photo Office

Anybody glancing at my resume would surely think I’ve been one busy little beaver-bee (that’s like double more busy than anything else) who never stops working. I guess you can say that I am. One project after another, one task, one mandate, a never ending quest. Or something like that.

“I do not know anyone who has got to the top without hard work. That is the recipe.”
–Margaret Thatcher

I don’t even ask for the top. I don’t expect huge wages. I’m lucky to live a life with a minimal amount of overhead. I’m like a puppy, pet my head once in a while and talk happyspeak to me and I’ll forever be loyal to you.

I’ll seek out what needs to be done, and do it without ever mumbling that it’s not my job. I’ll say I’m sorry when I know I was wrong, and own up to my errors so I can take responsibility and do what needs to be done to fix them. I’ll have relentless energy, so much so that you’ll ask me or even beg me to sit down and take it easy. I won’t back down from a challenge, heck I’m crazy enough to believe that with just the right amount of determination anything can be done… by me.

If I don’t know how to do it, I’ll learn it. If I don’t want to do it, I’ll find a way to make it appealing, and enjoy it.

I have many addictions. Seeking out cool new jobs on Craigslist is one of them.

Eating marshmallows and feeling their cool texture on my tongue is an addiction that I should keep to myself.

Recently I’ve been invited to 2 job interviews thanks to the wonderful world of Craigslist. Yay me! I was so elated I could hear the trumpets. Actually I did hear them, but that was coming from the marines on their morning jog. Sound carries so well on water, and why do they run at 6:30 am with a trumpeteer hot on their trail is something I’ll never understand.

Interview # 1 – She called me and scheduled a phone pre-interview. At the end of the pre-interview she announced I made it to the next level – a face-to-face meeting. She told me to expect an email with the specific location. The email never came in, so I emailed her. The email bounced back as undeliverable. I left her voicemail. Nada. Emailed the company directly from their site, and that too was undeliverable. Sigh.

Interview # 2 – They replied via email, in all honesty it looked sketchy. But I was so blinded by my sheer utter joy at the possibility of earning my keep I immediately replied with the requested information. As I did so, my little voice was shrieking “what the fuck” since all the info they asked was on my resume. Blind I was. The next morning the CEO himself of this multi-billion $ operation congratulated me on being hired. A series of whatthefuckisms quickly followed. He told me to expect an HR form to fill so they could pay me. Hence the series of whatthefuckisms.

Of course I immediately expedited the process by sending them my social security number, my date of birth, a scan of my fingerprints, my passport and all my bank account passwords.

I didn’t want to take any chances, I needed to seal the deal.

What is wrong with people? What’s next? Will they drive around in their tacky Cadillacs throwing buckets of poop on the homeless? If so, where do they get their buckets of poop?