I May Have to Slap You if You Say This To My Face

I stopped apologizing for being who I am not too long ago. And these are things that I no longer put up with, so I dare you to say them to my face.

  1. I hate happy people
  2. I hate clowns
  3. Parades are for losers
  4. I hate morning people

These statements to me are word-for-word equivalent to “I KICKED A PUPPY”. I will be forced to slap you across the face if you ever utter any of these statements to me.

Also:

  1. I hate French people
  2. So you’re Canadian EH?
  3. Pardon my French

What the fuck dude! You just met me not three seconds ago and the first things out of your mouth other than your bad breath are these words of hatred? Not only are they racist words of ignorance, but they’re directed right at me! How dare you, did you kick a puppy this morning too? I wouldn’t be surprised if you did!

Pardon my French, what does that really mean? You just said something rude and crass and that is what you are implying by French? I’ll show you what’s rude and crass! Why is this statement acceptable, and used widely by politicians and everybody else? If I don’t tip a waitress would you hear me say “Pardon my jewishness?” ย Never! But it’s the same fucking thing!

Also, I dare you to catch me saying “eh?” I fucking dare you. And you know what? People from Wisconsin and Minnesota say it way more than any Canadian I know. So there.

I can’t apologize anymore for being French. I certainly won’t apologize for being happy. And clowns are cool, all they want in life is to make you smile you inconsiderate miserable piece of shit!

……………………………………….
I write this with oodles of love and cynical humor. I won’t actually slap you in the face, but I may want to suddenly demonstrate some new roller derby move I just learned. I may be small, but I’m all muscle. Snicker. Again, more cynical humor, I’m a fucking 48 year old woman for crying out loud!

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30 thoughts on “I May Have to Slap You if You Say This To My Face”

  1. I don’t think the phrase “pardon my French” implies that French people are potty mouths…
    And happy morning people suck.

    I’d like to buy you a drink if it will help you relax a bit.
    Maybe a coffee.
    Decaf.

    ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Decaf! What’s the point? I go str8 for the espresso. Does it show? Can you tell? Am I too edgy? Do I need another gel sole in my shoes? What are you implying? Really? You can tell me! ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Okay, so how about “clowns scare me?” Because they do (ala Pennywise). We stayed at Circus Circus in Las Vegas once, and I was petrified and stayed at least tipsy most of the time.

    I must also say that I DISTRUST morning people. There’s something up with “you people.” How can anyone be cheerful that early in the flipping day without massive amounts of coffee? ๐Ÿ˜‰

    P.S. Never apologize for your wonderfulness, woman!

    Like

    1. What’s to distrust about people who are eager to get their day going? ๐Ÿ™‚ And those aren’t real clowns, they are creepy.

      Yay Katy!

      Like

  3. I had, what I thought, an amazing response. Easy to say that since it’s lost in cyberspace. If it shows up, then I’ll retract the amazing. What it basically said (minus an anecdote) is that I agree with you ….. in fact I’ve adopted your ‘unapologetically happy’ motto as I never quite knew how to describe my pollyannaishness. And I also said, (from a technical and creative perspective) Excellent Writing (capitals intended).

    Like

  4. I.LOVE.YOU!
    seriously. Every single ounce of you…
    and I don’t hate clowns, I’m just afraid of them, but I’ll try to like them better ..for you..from now on.

    XO
    (I’m a morning person, I love parades and I’m happy 99% of the time..)

    Like

  5. While I don’t *hate* happy people, but I have to admit they tend to annoy me a little… sometimes. Especially if one of them tries to hug me. I’m not a hugger. Just back off! I am a morning person, strangely enough. Just not a cheery one. I just like to get my grumpiness started earlier in the day than most.

    Like

    1. Ha! Note to self – do not hug Vinny. I’m not much of a hugger either, I choose who I hug very carefully, I’m always afraid the other will hold me too long, or even worse feel something down below. Got wood there sir? Ugh. It’s so not very becoming! ha!

      Like

  6. Some people are just too happy of a morning, oh hang on I can be one of those people, sorry please forgive my morning happiness, damn that hurt I felt that slap and two hands as in slapping both sides of my face is that because the first slap didn’t wipe the smile of my face, well I can tell you the second one did…………….lol

    Like

  7. I am a morning person… usually waking before 5 a.m., but I’m not a happy, nor nice morning person. I do, however: love parades. I used to be able to sing the French lyrics to “Lady Marmalade,” but I never knew what I was saying.

    Like

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