Another Year!

Yesterday I celebrated my umpteenth birthday. I did this by dropping my husband off at the airport at 8 am, at which point I discovered a bird had gone to town on the side of our pickup truck. That bird must have been eating at an all-you-can eat Indian buffet…

I received an overwhelming amount of birthday wishes. Many were as outrageous and creative as “Happy Birthday Marie” written on my Facebook wall by my crazy out-of-the-box thinking friends. But then there were many deeper testimonials. These brought me close to tears.

My friends told me how inspiring I am, and that I play a key role in keeping everything so bright and positive during our roller derby practices. They told me how uplifting and encouraging I was. And here’s what they don’t know – all this time that I was keeping their spirits up I was feeling utterly depressed.

I think the world needs not worry about me! This work thing gets to me, or I let it get to me. But do I really? If I’m uplifting and keeping my entourage’s spirits up when I’m down, can you imagine what I’m like when I’m not feeling disturbed?

It’s a frightening thought.

When I came back to San Diego my personal goal was to re-write my novel in a 1st person narrative. This is the amount of time I’ve spent working on it since January 1: 0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds.

“If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.” ― Stephen King

Other than reading blogs, I’ve spent just about as much time reading as I’ve been working on my novel: 0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds. My mind just wasn’t into it – it (my mind) was too busy being obsessed with re-vamping the resume, scouring the internet for jobs, and re-writing cover letters in a variety of voices, styles, and approaches.

I hate that I let this happen to me.

On Monday I have this thing that will start. I’ll be working [from home]. Working with a schedule, and a boss, and deadlines, and objectives. It’s only 20 hours a week, for now. But that’s enough to free my mind for really investing myself in what I love most. Twinkies!

Another year has been stamped on my forehead. If you sliced me up you could count the rings that have been adding up. I wonder if you would also see what I’m truly made of… I wonder if I would ever see myself for who I really am.

I may be a work-in-progress, but I count my lucky stars for the friends and family who hold mirrors in my face showing me that I’m fucking amazing.

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24 thoughts on “Another Year!”

  1. Please make sure to share novel chapters so we can give feedback. you have given me far more help than I could ever repay. But I want to try. Happy birthday and every other day until the next one.

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  2. Happy Birthday 🙂 You help me deal with my depressive thoughts all the time. Don’t give up on the writing and don’t stress yourself out about it, it will happen 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I haven’t worked on my novel either, and until I started my “Write Your First Novel” class 3 weeks ago I was sure I wouldn’t be doing any work on it. I honestly think some days I’m meant to be a cheerleader but not a novelist.

    However, you inspire me and keep me motivated. I want you to know that I believe in that novel of yours and I believe in you. You’ll get there (hell, maybe we’ll BOTH get there!) and I’ll be waiting at the end with cupcakes.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY my friend, here’s to a year of awesome!
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey I’m totally a cheerleader too! Thank you so much for all your cheering. And yes, let’s finish those books of ours so we can dive into a mountain of cupcakes.

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  4. There’s an inner-inner-more internal deeply buried computer inside you that has a link to Divine calling from which a string is looped around my right leg. When the time comes to rewrite the novel the signal will be sent to the netherworld and some creature with an itchy trigger finger will tug the cord, which will then be activated to kick you in the butt. I apologize in advance for the swiftness: that ethereal being can be a heavy handed/insistent, and the string is nylon. Trust all the signs around you. Bathe in that bubble of birthday love. You are Unique.

    Thank you for sharing your vulnerability on this blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. First of all, happy birthday. Go Aries! Secondly, I am very familiar with the phenomenon of trying to cheer up other people while being deeply depressed. The best way to overcome your own feelings of hopelessness is to hope that other people’s happiness will rub off on you, especially when you’d had a hand in it. So long as you can produce results, it works. At least it does for me. Well, it’s not working for me right now. I am dealing with people who have severe neurochemical imbalances. You can imagine how they’re difficult to cheer up

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    1. Are you completely surrounded by people who are imbalanced? How hard that must be, it would drive me nuts! Either that or I’d have solid writing material to last me years, if I were to enter the right frame of mind to write. 😉

      p.s. I’m actually not THAT down in the dumps, but did struggle a bit more than usual.

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      1. Surrounded might be a little exaggerated, but my best friend, who is also my flatmate, is imbalanced, and his depression is enveloping me. And it is driving me nuts. On the upside, I have been writing more than usual, recently.

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  6. What a time of opposites for you, my friend, but you keep on keeping on, giving your friends your warmth, enthusiasm and wacky humor, which I for one am glad to experience through your blog, since your physical presence is so far away. Nikk and I send birthday greetings, drink your fave beverage and clink to a year full of promise. We are in El Fuerte, headed out to Los Mochis and a long overnight bus ride back to Mezcales. We’ve been seeing the Copper Canyon with Nick from Aleutian Light. He says Happy BDay too!

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  7. Birthdays some love them some not so much so really don’t like them, me I love mine although there are times when I wish I wasn’t getting older just wiser but not such the case. Yeah no one likes bird poo even though it is not really poo

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  8. You rock. Take a deep breath. My possibly-marketable novel, finished last October, hasn’t been touched since. You can only do what you can do when you can do it. When the time is right, you’ll do it, and it will be amazing.

    In the meantime, if you keep yourself afloat (afloat – see what I did, there?) by being the shining beacon of hope and inspiration to your bloggy and interwebby friendishes, then that’s your role, for now. Embrace it, keep your eyes open, try things to treat the depression (it’s like a really complicated infection; keep trying stuff), and keep yourself alive, and we’ll see you on the other side.

    Peace, friend.

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