playing roller derby is something performed by awesome women

On Being Amazing: What Did I Do Now?

I don’t know about you but… I have this instant knee-jerk reaction to people saying stuff like “Marie, I have a question for you.” or “Hey!” or “Uhm, can I say something?” or “…” where I automatically assume I’m in trouble.Or that I did something wrong, like a big mistake.

Not that I err on the side of errors that often. Then again, it depends on who you ask. I’ll tell you who you can and cannot ask this question to!

This morning I got an email that totally triggered that increased heart rate, sweaty palms and instaguiltrip. And it was nothing! Somebody just wanting a link to a picture I put of her in a recent newsletter. Am I still shaking from it? You betcha! Did I find the link and send it to her? Of course I did. Was there anything wrong anywhere? Absolutely not.

Why can’t I stop shaking and assuming I’m in big doodoo?

«Because I’m a moron, that’s why.»

Because my little self-esteem issue is my weakest link. Where no matter how much I work on improving myself as a person, I keep beating myself up to a pulp when I trip over imaginary bumps on the road. Or when I do stupid shit.

I hate it when that happens! When I do stupid shit… When I know before even opening my mouth, or hitting send, or putting my foot out the door and up my ass that I am about to commit stupidity. I know it. I see it coming. I smell it like a dog smells the bone you’ve hidden from him. And I do it anyways. Why?

Scroll back up to the part where I say I’m a moron. Now stop asking stupid questions, it’s as if you’re trying to steal my spotlight on my stupidity.

Ugh. I need a visit to the Fight Club where somebody can knock some sense into me. Just don’t touch the left hip. It’s been repeatedly bruised at roller derby these past few weeks. See? Right there. Only awesome women in their near 50’s would dare play roller derby. Why can’t I start believing I’m awesome?

Punch me.


5 thoughts on “On Being Amazing: What Did I Do Now?”

  1. I will tell you you’re awesome every single day (twice a day) if it helps you to KNOW you are. As for the insecurities , we all have them. I spend many days wondering if people like me at all and then wondering why if they assure me they do. I think that’s just being human.

    but I know you’re awesome, talented, intuitive and wicked funny….there are so many things I like about you (so if you need a list I’ll make you one)


  2. When someone asks me one of those questions, I have two stock responses:
    – Wasn’t my fault. She swore she was 18.
    – Wasn’t me. He backed into the knife 72 times.

    Expect the worst, and it can only be better!


  3. I’d tell you that you’re awesome, but A) you should really already know it, and B) who the hell am I? You just described ME, to a frightfully accurate degree. (droop(
    See – I even screwed up the parentheses. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Punch punch punch…


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