I don’t know about you but… I have this instant knee-jerk reaction to people saying stuff like “Marie, I have a question for you.” or “Hey!” or “Uhm, can I say something?” or “…” where I automatically assume I’m in trouble.Or that I did something wrong, like a big mistake.
Not that I err on the side of errors that often. Then again, it depends on who you ask. I’ll tell you who you can and cannot ask this question to!
This morning I got an email that totally triggered that increased heart rate, sweaty palms and instaguiltrip. And it was nothing! Somebody just wanting a link to a picture I put of her in a recent newsletter. Am I still shaking from it? You betcha! Did I find the link and send it to her? Of course I did. Was there anything wrong anywhere? Absolutely not.
Why can’t I stop shaking and assuming I’m in big doodoo?
«Because I’m a moron, that’s why.»
Because my little self-esteem issue is my weakest link. Where no matter how much I work on improving myself as a person, I keep beating myself up to a pulp when I trip over imaginary bumps on the road. Or when I do stupid shit.
I hate it when that happens! When I do stupid shit… When I know before even opening my mouth, or hitting send, or putting my foot out the door and up my ass that I am about to commit stupidity. I know it. I see it coming. I smell it like a dog smells the bone you’ve hidden from him. And I do it anyways. Why?
Scroll back up to the part where I say I’m a moron. Now stop asking stupid questions, it’s as if you’re trying to steal my spotlight on my stupidity.
Ugh. I need a visit to the Fight Club where somebody can knock some sense into me. Just don’t touch the left hip. It’s been repeatedly bruised at roller derby these past few weeks. See? Right there. Only awesome women in their near 50’s would dare play roller derby. Why can’t I start believing I’m awesome?