frayed

How Do You Know You Miss Something?

The thing about living on a boat is that you don’t realize how much you miss living on land until you move back to life on land. And even then, you have to get on a plane, fly over the ocean and think out loud “I wouldn’t want to be on that ocean right now.”

To think this does not mean the ocean is not loved. It’s just loved differently. And that’s ok. Take food for example. My favorite desert is chocolate cake, but I do love me some hot apple pie (especially the moonshine kind my friends in PA make).  And I would never think of eating chocolate cake every single day. Oh lord, no. So, back to the ocean… To face it every single day is tiring. Everything is complicated and rarely easy. Switches need to be turned off, water pressure off, no waste. Ever. Not even in power. Especially not in power.

It’s not that I want to waste water or electricity, but I don’t want to ruin my home simply because I forgot to turn a switch off at night.

And leave it to me that the one thing I missed most from living on land was taking baths, and the home I chose to move into does not have a bath. Yeah. Leave it to me. Oh the irony of choices.

Actually, the home does have a bath. But it’s not in my immediate access. Not without asking permission, and god-knows-what situation I’d find the tub in. It’s too much trouble. The trade-off is a gem of a killer dog whom I love to pretend belongs to me.

Johann the amazing dog

Pretending Johann is mine is easy when he often sleeps in my room. On my bed. And cries for me when my door is closed. Yeah, his name is Johann. Not to be confused with the other old dog in the house — Maverick the shedding dog who has lost his mind and eats used tissues from my trashcan. Maverick with a super sensory sense of smell who will find the granola bar buried deep in my roller derby gear bag, and tear off the unopened wrapper and eat the bar to the very last piece of baked oats.

Maverick. Bless his heart and may his death be soon. But don’t you dare tell my roommate — Maverick’s loving and doting dog-mamma I said that. I’m afraid of what may happen to me if she could read my mind.

This is my new life. A new life I created because of too many reasons to list here, and for the simple reason of “because I felt it was time.” I decided to end my 12-yr love affair with an incredible man. The man who called me Doodie. The man who smiled at me every single morning when he woke up as soon as he saw me next to him. Sometimes there are things in life we just can’t explain logically, but know deep down inside must happen. This was one of those times.

I don’t know which part makes me sadder. The fact that I am no longer somebody’s Doodie? Or the fact that I wonder if I will find someone who will, as he did, smile at me every single morning when he wakes up and sees me next to him.

The thing about being in an intensive relationship is that you don’t realize how much you miss your freedom until you taste it once again for the first time in a dozen years.

The good thing is I’m reading again. And by reading again, I’m writing again. I stopped reading, and because of that I couldn’t write. I don’t want to stop reading again. We all know what happens when that happens!

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4 thoughts on “How Do You Know You Miss Something?”

  1. It sounds like you’ve had a huge amount of change to go through. I’m proud of you, girl. Doing what’s right for you deserves a lot of respect!

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