For twelve years I chose one person to be my best friend, my soulmate, my boss, my partner, my colleague, my teacher… my lover.
It was a lot of jobs to put on one person’s head. And he placed just as much, if not more, on my heart. We were each other’s world and universe. We were each other’s family, and each other’s everything.
Unhealthy you think?
Unbalanced, perhaps? Si, quizas.
And now the tearing apart from this former life is like taking two amoebas that have meshed into one and separating them. Or something like that, I failed physics, and have few to no science credits at all. So, what is an amoeba and can they be meshed?
I need to stay focused.
Family. I feel like I’ve lost mine. I have my immediate family, my mother, sisters, nieces + nephew, but they may as well be living on another planet — they’re so far away. And then there’s my roller derby family, and my good local friends, but it’s not the same thing.
And why isn’t it the same thing? Other than the obvious reasons (like, I actually grew up with my family), I have to wonder if I keep a wall around myself, and keep people at a forced and safe distance. Am I really connecting on a deep level with those around me? And then if there isn’t a deep connection with my friends — why is that?
I want to connect, and love. I want to feel connected, and loved. I want and need that sense of family. I’m lost without it. And I’m not sure moving back to Canada is the answer. I should, theoretically, be able to create real intimate bonds anywhere.
Initially I assumed my sadness was caused by grief over the loss of my relationship. I’m not so sure about that anymore. I think it’s the loss of a sense of family, and how we, as human beings, are ultimately lost without one. (Shut up hermit population, you freaks of nature — you don’t count!)
So where does that put me? Do I go around annoying my friends by asking them what I need to do in order to create a deeper intimacy with them? Oh, I’m sure they’d love that! *EYEROLL* Is there a pill I can take that won’t cause gassy indigestion and sudden abnormal thoughts of suicide to create magical bonds with everybody in my life?
Until I figure it out, I do plan on sticking to my new routine: running (ok, more like a slow jog), writing, and more solo activities like paddle boarding and drinking alone in my room at night. (Joke. Kinda.)
Of course there’s roller derby, it is after all supposed to save my soul, or so the saying goes. For those of you who are alone, how do you create real or meaningful connections with your entourage?