family

Family…

For twelve years I chose one person to be my best friend, my soulmate, my boss, my partner, my colleague, my teacher… my lover.

It was a lot of jobs to put on one person’s head. And he placed just as much, if not more, on my heart. We were each other’s world and universe. We were each other’s family, and each other’s everything.

Unhealthy you think?

Unbalanced, perhaps? Si, quizas.

And now the tearing apart from this former life is like taking two amoebas that have meshed into one and separating them. Or something like that, I failed physics, and have few to no science credits at all. So, what is an amoeba and can they be meshed?

I need to stay focused.

Family. I feel like I’ve lost mine. I have my immediate family, my mother, sisters, nieces + nephew, but they may as well be living on another planet — they’re so far away. And then there’s my roller derby family, and my good local friends, but it’s not the same thing.

And why isn’t it the same thing? Other than the obvious reasons (like, I actually grew up with my family), I have to wonder if I keep a wall around myself, and keep people at a forced and safe distance. Am I really connecting on a deep level with those around me? And then if there isn’t a deep connection with my friends — why is that?

I want to connect, and love. I want to feel connected, and loved. I want and need that sense of family. I’m lost without it. And I’m not sure moving back to Canada is the answer. I should, theoretically, be able to create real intimate bonds anywhere.

Shouldn’t I?

Initially I assumed my sadness was caused by grief over the loss of my relationship. I’m not so sure about that anymore. I think it’s the loss of a sense of family, and how we, as human beings, are ultimately lost without one. (Shut up hermit population, you freaks of nature — you don’t count!)

So where does that put me? Do I go around annoying my friends by asking them what I need to do in order to create a deeper intimacy with them? Oh, I’m sure they’d love that! *EYEROLL* Is there a pill I can take that won’t cause gassy indigestion and sudden abnormal thoughts of suicide to create magical bonds with everybody in my life?

Until I figure it out, I do plan on sticking to my new routine: running (ok, more like a slow jog), writing, and more solo activities like paddle boarding and drinking alone in my room at night. (Joke. Kinda.)

Of course there’s roller derby, it is after all supposed to save my soul, or so the saying goes. For those of you who are alone, how do you create real or meaningful connections with your entourage?

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16 thoughts on “Family…”

  1. You are asking what wveryone else wishes they knew how to ask: what will give me a sense of purpose, and how do I obtain this? You thought you had it during your long time relationship. Actually, you did have the sense, then, but the further it slips away, the more you also question the validity of the sense of purpose that you’ve had for so long. At least that is what I imagine. I’ve not had this sense of purpose yet. I know that I get a glimpse of it when I can help someone, when someone confides in me, or when I get the chance to protect someone. Maybe that is why I was drawn to the security service sector. Maybe that’s why I wanted to be a soldier. Maybe that’s why I want to be a father.

    I guess what I am trying to tell you is that you need to go out there and see what experiences trigger your sense of purpose.

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  2. All I can say is SLOW DOWN. It can take years. You can’t heal such a wound in a few months, period. Just keep swimming, my sistah from anothah mutha. Paddle, skate, write, drink, eat, write, date, write… the only useful piece of advice I ever received vis a vis divorce was this: The ONLY thing that will EVER help… is time.

    Hang in there, Marie. ((HUGS))

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  3. Everytime I wonder if I’m ‘normal’ for living alone I listen to all my friends who are in relationships. After ten or so minutes of hearing about the things their partners are doing to annoy them I’m glad to go home to my little apartment. I may be waiting the rest of my life, but if I choose to share my life with someone then I want to make sure it’s the right someone and I’m not just trying to fill a role in my life to please others.

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    1. I know, I know, I know… better be alone than with the wrong one. I’m realizing for me it’s really the sense of family. And oddly enough, this morning when I went to say hi to the Juniors (I wasn’t coaching today) I received and overwhelming group hug from them. Some wouldn’t even let go. I guess I do have a family here. ❤

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      1. Friends are the family we choose ourselves. I spent today with my two godchildren. They love me unconditionally and trust me no matter how many times I get us lost on our days out. Even if I never have kids of my own, I’ll always be a part of my godchildren’s upbringing. I’m sure the kids you coach feel the same about you 🙂

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  4. Here are a couple of thoughts. 1) Yes, there is a pill, and it does help, even if you only needed it on a short term basis. But 2) I’ve heard it can take up to two years to restore any sense of normalcy following a divorce. It’s just … you’re being ripped asunder no matter how right the decision was, and it colors everything. You don’t have to drive your friends nuts, though. You’re awesome, and I’m sure they DO want to spend more time with you. Ask them out for “girls night out” events after bouts. For those with kids, (assuming the kids don’t make you want to go jump in the bay) find out if there are fun kid-friendly outings you could join them on. (It’s SO hard for me to hang out with my single friends, even as my kids get bigger, because it’s SO hard to carve out time that they don’t need to be near my person!) Finally 3) (Because if you failed physics, I failed math worse, and my couple can include as many as I can type) I wish I lived nearby to give you a huge hug!!

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  5. You roller derby and you look young so I’m guessing 12 years was probably 1/3 to 1/4 your life. Ouch. Yeah. That is a big freakin’ chunk of time. Ouch.

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  6. You know, you just asking the question is the first step toward the light of it.
    You see the hole in your life and right now you need that hole filled. I understand that very much and I think I’d be exactly like that. For more than a decade you had your ‘person’ and when that relationship ends, even if it ‘should’ there is a letdown, a hole, a vacancy that begs for a person to show up.

    Keep asking the question, keep living, keep breathing and thinking the deep thoughts. Keep reaching out to those of us who love you…even if we’re far away and most of all, remember that this journey is yours and no one else’s. Walk tall, walk with determination toward the life you imagine and deserve.

    XO Love you!

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  7. Just discovered you and have read only 2 posts and I allready know I’m going to like your posts/blog. =) I’m single, 40, and never married and to answer you question at the end, one-on-one time with my friends (every few months). I’m the one who usually has to organize it but I don’t mind cause all my friends are busy with kids and I know “lunch/dinner with Lisa” is the last thing on their mind. And they never turn me down when I suggest it and we always have a good time when we meet up. A couple close friends live out of town so with them, it’s a message on Facebook or phone call every once in awhile to not lose that connection.

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