How do you define success? For me, does it matter how you define it, as long as my definition is clear in my head and my heart? I have this yin-yang-ish inner debate happening within. The part of me that is influenced by how others may perceive me and what their general assessment of success is not feeling very highly of herself.
Signs of a low success rate based on what others may think:
Exhibit A – I am no longer in a happy marriage.
Exhibit B – I earn under $20K/year.
Exhibit C – I live in a rented room, in a house shared with six other people.
Exhibit D – My car was paid for with my debit card, it doesn’t even have remote keyless entry or electric windows!
Exhibit E – I don’t wear high heels, and I’ve never really learned to put on make-up. I’m the female version of what is considered a man-child.
But the me that is fed by my dreams and aspirations that kept me up at night when I was 15 is incredibly thrilled with my life right now. Can the 15 year old inside me put a gag on the voices being influenced by outside sources?
Rebuttal arguments my 15-yr old self can make:
Counter-Exhibit A – I am fearless and not afraid to make necessary changes for my happiness.
Counter-Exhibit B – I actually love my work, and get to express my creative side daily.
Counter-Exhibit C – I live in San (fucking) Diego. A far cry from the cold winters I grew up in… And this rented room of mine sits above a hill overlooking the bay in a very safe neighborhood.
Counter-Exhibit D – I have zero debt. Ok, some minor-minor credit card balances, but way below 1K.
Counter-Exhibit E – I wear roller skates, and have a low-maintenance approach to life. I can pretty much pick up and go anywhere, anytime. If I am the female version of a man-child that makes me a Pippi Longstocking. I can totally live with that because she rocks.
But why can’t I shake that loser feeling?
I know my life is amazing. I know I am a rather incredible person. I know I’m fun to be around with. I know I’m a key person to have on any team. I know I’m a good friend. I know I am successful…
Knowing it, and really believing it in the pit of my stomach are two different things.
On another note, I haven’t logged any practice hours this month yet. In order for me to play in my next roller derby game, I must log in a minimum of 16 practice hours. It’s not looking good for me playing that next game. The longer I wait the harder it is to face whatever it is that’s keeping me away. I’m still doing my jobs with my league, and I’m still doing a ton of other stuff, heck I even skated around the bay this weekend and that was close to 12 miles! I just can’t get myself to go practice. I am aware I needed this time to simply take care of myself, but really? The worst is that I know without a doubt that I’ll feel good about myself when I go!
So, why aren’t I going?