loser vs winner

Definition of Success

How do you define success? For me, does it matter how you define it, as long as my definition is clear in my head and my heart? I have this yin-yang-ish inner debate happening within. The part of me that is influenced by how others may perceive me and what their general assessment of success is not feeling very highly of herself.

Signs of a low success rate based on what others may think:

Exhibit A – I am no longer in a happy marriage.
Exhibit B – I earn under $20K/year.
Exhibit C – I live in a rented room, in a house shared with six other people.
Exhibit D – My car was paid for with my debit card, it doesn’t even have remote keyless entry or electric windows!
Exhibit E – I don’t wear high heels, and I’ve never really learned to put on make-up. I’m the female version of what is considered a man-child.

But the me that is fed by my dreams and aspirations that kept me up at night when I was 15 is incredibly thrilled with my life right now. Can the 15 year old inside me put a gag on the voices being influenced by outside sources?

Rebuttal arguments my 15-yr old self can make:

Counter-Exhibit A – I am fearless and not afraid to make necessary changes for my happiness.
Counter-Exhibit B – I actually love my work, and get to express my creative side daily.
Counter-Exhibit C – I live in San (fucking) Diego. A far cry from the cold winters I grew up in… And this rented room of mine sits above a hill overlooking the bay in a very safe neighborhood.
Counter-Exhibit D – I have zero debt. Ok, some minor-minor credit card balances, but way below 1K.
Counter-Exhibit E – I wear roller skates, and have a low-maintenance approach to life. I can pretty much pick up and go anywhere, anytime. If I am the female version of a man-child that makes me a Pippi Longstocking. I can totally live with that because she rocks.

But why can’t I shake that loser feeling?

I know my life is amazing. I know I am a rather incredible person. I know I’m fun to be around with. I know I’m a key person to have on any team. I know I’m a good friend. I know I am successful…

Knowing it, and really believing it in the pit of my stomach are two different things.

On another note, I haven’t logged any practice hours this month yet. In order for me to play in my next roller derby game, I must log in a minimum of 16 practice hours. It’s not looking good for me playing that next game. The longer I wait the harder it is to face whatever it is that’s keeping me away. I’m still doing my jobs with my league, and I’m still doing a ton of other stuff, heck I even skated around the bay this weekend and that was close to 12 miles! I just can’t get myself to go practice. I am aware I needed this time to simply take care of myself, but really? The worst is that I know without a doubt that I’ll feel good about myself when I go!

So, why aren’t I going?

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22 thoughts on “Definition of Success”

  1. I think success=being happy. And because we are all so different, what makes one person successful/happy is different from another person.

    I assessed clients who were suicidal for 2 years and one young client was in his early 20s and he took a bunch of pills because he didn’t feel successful He compared himself to his brother who was a little older than him and on his own and had a good job. This kid was living with his parents and felt like a loser. I told him: “You need to STOP comparing yourself to others because if you don’t your, be miserable for the rest of your life.”

    Thoughts related to your “exhibits”
    A) Something must have happened in your marriage and what ever it was, one of my favorite quotes is “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.” Christian D. Larson
    B & C) You make less than $20K and can live in San Diego and you love your work?!?! Not many can say that…
    D) It gets you to point A to point B-that’s all you need!
    E) I also never wear high heels or make-up and just think of all the $$$$ we save!!

    Since you mentioned “loser feeling” sounds like you are struggling a little so just work on being happy…it’s a process and maybe a little therapy is needed if you aren’t in therapy now? (And many therapists work on a sliding scale).

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    1. I have these moments of depression that come in and out of my life. I’m genuinely a happy person. An infectious person of joy. I think that my life needs balance via two major strongholds: love and work. You should see me come undone when I can’t find work!

      There is what I know, what my brain understands fully. And then there is this inner voice of a broken child that just begs to be heard and understood.

      I know I’m not a loser. There are just times when this inner child wonders if she is, and sometimes this voice just creeps out. It – I guess – is a reminder that I need to stop and look inside and just love myself.

      Does that make sense?

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  2. Not feeling like a loser is the most important thing in life. Unfortunately, due to our primitive wiring, if we don’t feel accepted and competent by the majority then we will feel like a loser. Of course, you can be happy without the approval of others but you really need to believe what you are doing in life is really what you want to be doing.

    Why aren’t you going? Probably because you are okay with the consequences. Plus the reward is not motivating enough. I’m not saying it’s the best attitude to have but I guess it’s reasonable. Heck, it’s the same attitude I have most of the time.

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          1. Same here. My solution is to surround myself with less people..haha. I hate it when people say “it doesn’t matter what people think” but they are doing what everyone else is doing to a T.

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          2. Or to surround yourself with the right people… And that is funny, the “it doesn’t matter” people when like you say they follow every trend in the book!

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  3. Being a child at heart is a good thing. That is an achievement and an advantage. Success is such an abstract thing, yet our society is so focused on it. You certainly don’t fit the conservative notion of success, but if that were your thing, you would have long since left Neverland and forgotten how to fly

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    1. Then you can achieve instant success each and every morning! That’s awesome! I need to start building a list of what success is or can be. Start small like success is falling asleep at night and not waking up before 6am. Or just falling asleep at night. 🙂

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  4. That loser vibe you can’t shake is the siren call of capitalism.
    The lack of significant debt is a definite win win so don’t give in to the push to “buy, Buy, BUY and you’ll feel and be better!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s fucked up isn’t it? I really do get nauseated by the incessant ads to buy. I constantly convince myself “I just need this one little thing, then I’ll be ok” and then “oh, now I also need this, i really really neeeeeeed it!”

      Fuck you capitalism! Juck you Joneses who keep pushing me to keep up!” 😉

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  5. You can’t shake the loser feeling because you’re the kind of person that wants to live life to the limits. You constantly want to do more, and there are never enough hours in the day. You’re not motivated by distractions such as money, a flash house or an expensive car. The things that matter to you are much more important – experiences. I know all this because I’m exactly the same 🙂

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  6. I have much to say to you…but the most important thing is that I don’t measure you against anyone, because you are unique and wonderful. Because you are memorable and brave. There is no one like you and that is whats you exceptional in my eyes.

    Follow your path, find your way…I’m behind you all the way.

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