my badass self

My Signs of Success

Out of curiosity I decided to start doing the new Oprah Winfrey — Deepak Chopra Meditation Experience, Manifesting True Success. Two things:

  1. Yesterday was Day One and it was exactly where I was at answering my questions of the time. What is success?
  2. Since my work with that program, I was afraid it would be weird for me to join on an Experience which I hadn’t worked on. It wasn’t weird, and I was totally able to shut my QA brain.

What this reminded me of was the real definition of success, the one which is what my 15-yr old self has been telling me all these years. There have been quite a number of years since this 15-yr old self joined my life… Quite a number!

You see, I have a strong connection to that voice. She is the one that challenges me: Join a roller derby team Marie, you can do it! Grab that board, and go for a long ride on the ocean, you’ll feel connected to the sea! Ride your bike to work, to the grocery store, or just for fun! Let yourself go and dance even when it’s inappropriate!

But I also, once and again, hear my younger self voice. The one that is 5 or 8 years old, and confused, and afraid to disturb, afraid to annoy. The voice that cries when she is misunderstood. My mom remembers that voice, she probably still has old plastic green pill bottles that she used to collect my tears “You’re going to run out of tears one day, we need to save them!” She would tell me as I half-laughed, half-cried, and half-hiccuped myself out of crying.

Three halves. That’s the magic of innocence and childhood. You can never have too many halves…

I like doing this [am I bat-shit crazy?] thing where I picture myself, the today self, holding the younger me self, where I’m 5 or 8 years old, and I’m hugging her, running my hand up and down her hair (she had long hair this younger self, long thin hair that always tangled into such a knotty mess) and I am calming her, telling her how much I am proud of her, how much I love her.

Am I bat-shit crazy?

And does it really matter what others think? If doing this, picturing myself healing my younger frightened self does good: isn’t that all that matters? I had a therapist once who criticized me for saying stuff like “I love washing the dishes because it’s like giving my hands a bubble bath” or “brushing my teeth is like giving my mouth an inner massage.” She said I was in denial and needed to face my daily chores and tasks with an adult approach. I fired her. What the fuck is wrong with finding magic in the daily mundane repetitive activities?

Isn’t that what life is all about? We will always need to take the trash out, clean the toilet, floss our teeth, and pick up our dog’s poop when we take him around the block. I know you may not have a dog, but it’s really a metaphor. You will always have to do things you don’t want to do, and that is a part of life. It’s how we face these things that really make life enjoyable and worth living.

So please bare with me (bear with me? I never knew which bare-bear we were talking about!) as I console my inner hurt child. The regular badass me is still there, she’s just resting up a bit.

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10 thoughts on “My Signs of Success”

    1. She was pretty horrible! I have fired 3 therapists, and then decided that my popcorn approach was probably best… or at least until I stumble upon what seems ideal.

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  1. wow, we gave you that bottle on one of your wedding days. I still remember it well, and it worked for us.

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  2. There is NOTHING wrong with finding Magic in the everyday. It is, in fact, the only thing worth living for.

    Keep being you. You inspire me.

    Like

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