People around me don’t know how to deal with the depressed me. And I don’t know how to deal with her either to be quite frank. She kind of freaks me out. Who is she? And why is she pulling me down the rabbit’s hole? What is down there anyways? Is it really the wonderland Alice is trying to sell us?
I don’t know, maybe I’ll have to go ask Alice to find out. Putting my life back together again has been like building a house of cards in the wind. If only… life could just wait a bit. Go on hold so I can go hunting and gathering for all the missing pieces of myself that I’ve been carelessly discarding through the years. It’s like waking up after a wild party and finding things, odd things, throughout my house in the weirdest of places.
And yes, that is a Cat Woman shoved into my bamboo plant. I think she likes it there. A member of our roller derby community has committed suicide recently. The entire community was in shock. We know how to handle broken legs, torn ACL’s, and sprained ankles, but when it comes to twisted souls we are frozen into silence.
We don’t know what to say. I’ve seen some of my own friends give me the big eyes when they see my own torments oozing out of my pores. I don’t want to burden my immediate surroundings by letting them know just how deep these black feelings of desperation can go.
I’m climbing out, but sometimes I do get my foot tangled into a root and slip back down the rabbit’s hole. I am a teeter-totter, balancing between sadness and strength. The problem with the feelings of strength is that when you’re aware that you’re being strong, it also means that you’re aware of the resistance. And it’s so hard to not be overcome with shame.
Then again, maybe I need to stop trying to build my house of cards out in the wind. Maybe I need to keep it sheltered from the wind until it’s solid. Or maybe I should pick a better building material than a deck of cards!