Lee has his annual physical this morning. Me being alone in the apartment is something that NEVER happens. Ever. This is what I had planned…
Have you seen Allie Brosh (from Hyperbole and a Half) do her “how to put a coat on” video on YouTube? Here’s the link. I think. I wanted to do a thing similar to the 2 girls and a cup video. Ugh, gross, not like ON the video and eat that disgusting shit (no pun intended), but do a reaction video. You know, tape ME watching Allie show ME how to put myself into a COAT. As I am reacting and doing it, as she explains it.
I thought it would be funny. It wasn’t. Or, maybe it could have been HAD I been able to finish it.
I get everything set-up. Test it a few times until I manage to prop the camera next to the laptop and high enough so all we see is not limited to my chest (I know, guy readers are asking “why bother, it’s all we look at” I know, Lee tells me all the time). Finally the setting is right, the shot goes from my waist to my head and we can see a full clear view of me, and the coat. 2 important factors in my story. So I start, as the YouTube version was rolling it froze. It just froze. It’ll happen right? Well, it did.
I start playing around with the virtual “play” button, hitting it over and over as this is being recorded. Then the phone rings. When the phone rings (land line) it is USUALLY a recorded voice convincing me I need to purchase something. What is it? I never listened beyond the delayed “HELLO!” Only not this time, because this time it’s Lee. He forgot his health card. I tell him it’s the same info on my file. Not good enough. He needs me to immediately copy both sides and fax it to the clinic.
- I run down to the office, put the card on the copier hit “Black”. No, I did not hit a black person, that’s the button to make an automatic black photocopy. I’d be offended by the idea if my skin was darker.
- It jams. Un-jam, reset, hit black again. The copy comes out (already I’m over 5 minutes in the stupid process) with a horrible half-ass printed copy.
- No ink. Change the cartridge. Run the fucking alignment thing.
- Make my first copy. Put it on the machine with the other side of the fucking card and copy it again. Perfect.
- Now I put the thing in the fax machine, I don’t hit black because it’s a different machine. Punch in the number and hit send. It dials, beeps and grinds and then tells me it’s printing and the machine never ate my sheet. Not good. The line has poor service?
- I go back upstairs, put on pants (I was doing the vid in my pj’s, it was part of the humor, you know… like a kid who wakes up on Christmas morning?) grab the coat waiting on the table for the video and run across the street to the main office. (my future ex-apartment is above the race shop across the street from the owner’s company offices).
- I get to the door, a sign says to use the other door 50 feet down. WTF?!? I run there, go to the office, do the polite chit-chat, and slap my sheet on her fax machine.
- Her dog wants to play. I pet the dog.
- Start punching in my number. She gets up, tells me her fax machine is out of whack (stuff like that happens, of course) and fondles the machine so it’ll work.
- She asks why I’m sending out my medical card… People. I give her a short version, and bleep, brrr, grrrr, zzzzzeeeeep, my fax is out!
- I grab some mail waiting for us, and start my way towards the door. The salesman comes out of his office and starts asking questions. When are we leaving, what do we need to do before we go. Really? Isn’t it obvious I’m in a rush here? People! Leave. Me. The fuck. Alone!
- At the door the secretary reminds me to use the other shop door. Of course. I make the detour running out.
- I get back to my apartment to find stupid questions from my eBay stores. Is the bottle included? Yes! It is! I put the picture there, and mentioned all accessories included. This question comes in from 3 eBay users. WTF! I read my ad again. Shit the thing I had copy & pasted from an online ad said “BOTTLE NOT INCLUDED”. Goddammit. I answer all emails. No the pots and pans are not titanium. TITANIUM? WTF???
In my speedy-I-can-do-everything-simultaneously mode, I deleted the partial recording I had made. Sorry, I so wanted to give you the perfect post Halloween video of me trying to put my coat on. Maybe next year, if Lee can EVER leave me alone.
And, Happy Day After Sugar High Day peeps! How are your kids doing?
Editor’s note: this post was originally published on Nov 1 2010. Back from my time machine. I’m sad Hyperbole and Half no longer exists… I miss her. Although there are plenty of imitations out there, they are but that – imitations. They’re good, just not great.